Do you find your encounters with people more complicated? A little more challenging than your heart believes they need to be? I will confess, I may be overly sensitive to those I come in contact with. I’m a helper and fixer by pedigree. But it feels like people are struggling more than ever before to just get through each day. 

I recently met a woman who, as the author Judith Viorst would say, was having a “Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.” That day turned into days, then it slid into weeks, and before she knew it, she was living in a dark season of isolation, anxiety, and fear. She was less than kind, angry at her circumstances, sure the world had failed her, and certain God had left. As I walked onto the scene, her only response was to lash out in sarcasm or retreat into the security of seclusion. She often pushed back hard enough that I recoiled and wanted to offer her anger back on a serving tray of righteous indignation. It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t want to be loved or value themselves. And it’s even harder for the soft-hearted to stay strong in the face of hostility. 

I once heard an old saying with a subtle twist, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And then, do a little bit more.” I guess we are to love the broken and angry, and when they push us away, keep loving them.

Luke 6:27-31 gives some insight into how God would have us persevere:

But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To the one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either.

It is so easy for Luke to write these words, but living this daily sacrificial life can feel nearly impossible. What does it mean to love our enemies, do good to haters, and pray for those who curse and abuse us?

As I think about my struggling friend, I keep hearing that little voice, “.. unto others…” And with each reminder, I gain new stamina to try to encourage and love her a little more.

So what can we do to live a do unto others and then a little bit more life? Here are a few steps to consider.

Step #1 – Don’t take their actions personally, but commit to learning from them.

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s hard not to take someone’s bad attitude personally. Especially when it feels directed straight at you. But the first step we have to take when trying to help others is to understand their attitude, frustrations, anger is not ours to own. [Qualifier – if you have offended, hurt, or caused a person pain, then of course you have to own your actions and take the appropriate steps to seek forgiveness. Admit your part, but they still need to recognize their responses are inappropriate.] Once you can navigate from a place of not trying to take on all the responsibility for the other’s actions, then you can start looking at what God wants you to learn from the situation. Are there boundaries you need to set with the person? Are there aspects of your behavior that need to be adjusted? Consider why you feel driven to fix the situation or person. Think about what is driving your emotions and responses.

Once you have relinquished any ownership over others’ attitudes and behaviors and have sorted out your motivations and responses, you can take the next step.

Step #2 – Meet them where they are, but don’t get lost in their drama.

Have you ever been around someone, only to have their emotional highs and lows leave an imprint on your heart? Before you know it, you are sucked into the emotional vortex and find yourself mirroring their frame of mind.

In the process of helping others, we need to seek to understand them, but resist the temptation to take on their pain. It’s a delicate balance, yet one that God can help us navigate. You can be empathetic without being an enabler. What I mean by that is, you can comfort and seek to understand, but still help them see their responsibility in owning their actions and attitudes. Perhaps this looks like, “I understand you are feeling frustrated and sad. Let’s sit down and think through what steps God would have you take to move from where you are to where you want to go.” Be willing to acknowledge their emotion, but don’t take it on; help them seek God’s direction for their next steps.

And this leads us directly to our final step.

Step #3 – Love them and be kind, but don’t make excuses for them. 

We can’t take on others’ tough times, but we can offer empathy and kindness. We can work to understand their circumstances, but please don’t make excuses for them. You know what this looks like, “Yes, she started drinking again, but it’s not her fault. She’s been under so much stress.” Or, “It’s okay that she yells at me, she’s just having a really bad day.” 

Making excuses for bad behavior is like placing a Band-Aid over an infected wound. All it does is cover up the illness, allowing the infection to spread and become more dangerous. Making excuses for others allows their impure hearts to fester and grow. And once this disease finds its roots, it is desperately hard to clean out. 

Similar to Step #2, consider discussing the issue with the person and helping them identify the real problem. Once they are ready to move forward, you can help them determine their next steps.

These three steps can help someone in the dumps find their way through, but it will require some real work on their part. It will also require work on your part: resist the temptation to take on their emotions and attitudes, don’t get lost in their drama, and refuse to make excuses. 

But it will also require you to pray. Pray often. Pray consistently. And pray fervently. Pray that God gives you the strength to follow His direction to be kind and loving while maintaining balance. The balance to allow those you are interacting with to be responsible for their behaviors and attitudes.

I wish I could tell you that my interactions with my miserable friend miraculously changed her situation. Unfortunately, she is still living in misery’s gulley. But she is teaching me to love unconditionally and that it’s ok to set boundaries. But most of all, our interaction is teaching me to pray that God, in His wisdom, will help me live a life of “Do unto others… And then, (with His help) do a little bit more.” It’s not easy; my pride wells up often, but little by little, I am learning.

Be Blessed,